The best kiss of my life involved Mandy Moore, a 300 pound security guard and my little sister. This is not your typical love story.
When I was younger I went with my little sister to a pop music concert sponsored by a local radio station. Being the cultured youth that I was, I was excited to have my world reinvented by the live performances of fantastical musical talent:
And Mandy Moore:
Now before you judge me too harshly, remember the demographics of the crowd. It was me, an adolescent boy, and thousands of girls. Charlie had his chocolate factory. I had my concert full of screaming girls… and absolutely no clue how to talk to any of them.
The climactic point of the concert was when actress, song writer, performer and goddess, Mandy Moore took the stage. After finishing the most beautiful set I have ever heard, she announced she would be signing autographs.
To say I was excited would be a gross understatement. My prepubescent scream of joy trumped that of the thousands of girls around me and may have actually been the highest pitched noise that has ever been recorded. (I like to picture the scene from Carl Sagan’s ‘Contact’ where the scientists first pick up the transmission) SETI researchers still refer to this anomaly as the Wow! signal. Immediately, I ditched my sister and ran at full force to the autograph tent. Unfortunately, years of Macaroni and Cheese and Mario made my epic sprint much shorter than I needed it to be at this critical juncture.
Sweating like, well a boy trying to meet Mandy Moore, I got to the tent in time to be the first in line… behind two hundred other people. I stood in line for about an hour and slowly made my way to the front of the line. When I was about 50 people from meeting my future celebrity ex-wife, tragedy struck. Mandy had to leave and they were going to close the line. Panicked, the crowd started booing. The staff started pushing the line ahead in order to quicken the pace. 50 people away, 40 people away, 30, 20, 10. She was in sight. I decided right then that this was the moment I had been born to conquer. I, Danny Dover, was going to talk to Mandy Moore.
I got to the front of the line and used the most creative pick up line I could muster. “Mandy Moore, can I have a hug?”. She looked at me and melted. Her security guard on the other hand, was not impressed by my sudden boldness. He stood up, looked me in the eyes and said, “absolutely not.” I looked at him, a 300 pound elephant of a man, then back at her, a goddess of unfathomable talent and beauty. Instantly she knew what to do. She pushed her security guard away, leaned over the table and kissed me right on the lips. Right. On. The. Lips.
Cheesy movie directors usually illustrate these moments with birds singing and angels playing harps. My moment was more like detonating a hydrogen bomb on my face while simultaneously getting kicked in the nuts.
I don’t actually remember how I reacted because at that moment I blacked out. I like to imagine that I came up with a witty remark, did a standing back flip and flipped off the security guard. In reality, I probably got really red and shuffled away.
It was my first kiss and I am proud to say it was with Mandy Moore.
Bucket List Item: “Kiss a Celebrity”, Check!