Suit Guy

I am currently living with a 300 pound female artist who focuses mostly on painting portraits of naked people and cats. She doesn’t speak a word of English (only Catalan) but seems very nice. Our short conversations consist mostly of me saying “Bueno” and “Gracias” a lot (I am a very polite spanish speaker) and have on more than one occasion devolved into us talking to each other through Google Translate.

I think we both think the living arrangement is kind of fun. ;-p

At the beginning of the week, we had a chat that was different than the ones before it.

“Something something something, amigo, no cama, tres dias, something something something”, she told me with a huge smile.

I paused as the sentence echoed in my head and I worked to decode it. Apparently her male friend was coming over for three days and would be sleeping in her studio without a bed.

“No problemo, su casa, su normas. Divert…tirse divertirse con su amigo!” (No problem, your house, your rules. Have fun with your friend!)”, I replied with an honest smile.

It was her house, I didn’t care what she did as long as I had a bed and internet access.

She smiled and said “something something something, word that sounded like ‘tren’ and something about ‘cirugía”.

She repeated “cirugía”.

This wasn’t a word I was familiar with.

“Si, cirugía?”, I repeated with a confused look.

She took that as a confirmation and we both went our separate ways.

That night when I got back from my busy day, she wasn’t there. This wasn’t unusual so I didn’t think anything of it. I made a few phone calls (Google Voice is fantastic) and worked on some work I had pending.

In the middle of the night I got up to go to the bathroom. I was just wearing my underwear and walked out into the hall.

At the end of the hallway, there was a man standing staring at me in a well tailored suit. (It was 4 in the morning). I looked at him and said “Hola?”. He said hola and then went into another room.

That must be her friend, I figured.

The next morning I showered, got dressed and then went into the kitchen. Standing with a bowl of something was the suit guy again. (This time in a different suit.)

We looked at each other, he mentioned something that sounded like “amigo” and went into another room. I laughed and went on my day as usual.

That night I got back, opened the door and again found suit guy. (Again, he was wearing a different suit). This time I was entertained and wanted to play with the situation.

I sat down and joined him. He was watching a soccer game and together we cheered on Spain. Towards the end of the match Spain scored the only point of the game and I jumped up and shouted. Outside explosions went off and people started screaming with excitement. Suit guy, didn’t budge.

Apparently he was not from Spain…

We finished watching the game without saying a word.

The next morning, the artist/land lord finally returned. We greeted each other and she pointed to her stomach with a frown. She opened her Moo Moo and revealed a series of tubes.

Apparently she had undergone surgery (that explained what ‘cirugía’ meant) and now had a colostomy bag. I glanced down and saw the bag was slowly filling with her internal fluids. I looked at her unsure of what I was going to do next…

“Muy mal!!!” (Very bad!) I shouted at her unintentionally.

…long and awkward pause…

Suit guy looked at me weirdly and then shook his head in discouragement.

Confused and embarrassed, I gave her a hug, scampered into my room and locked the door. I spent the next 20 minutes questioning all of the choices that had led me to that situation. :-)

I wrote this post about a week ago directly after what I am now calling the incident. Currently I am back in the States and am in the process of reacquainting to domestic living. I finished a new bucket list item a few days ago and will be posting about it on Friday. Cheers!

23 comments… add one

  • Jen Sable Lopez Jun 27, 2012

    Ok I literally just LOL’d in the office. But… but… but who was the suit guy???

  • Sean Maguire Jun 27, 2012

    Great story! What the fuck is a “colostrophy” bag? Did you perhaps inject “apostrophe” into “colostomy”. Or do you simply like to make up your own words? lol

    • Jen Sable Lopez Jun 27, 2012

      Ok I wondered the same thing, but your response is much funnier than mine. :D

    • Danny Dover Jun 27, 2012

      I do like to make up my words (‘storgnopher’ see?), but this was just an example of my inability to spell :-p

  • Elle Jun 27, 2012

    Holy hell! That is the most random story ever. I don’t know what I would do in that situation. Laugh? Gag? Cower into my bedroom?

  • David Jun 27, 2012

    This is Spain hehehe, I can imagine the situation, really. Maybe the guy was another guy renting the flat or the son, or the guy who takes care on the inmates when she is out. Next time you’re here (in Barcelona I suppose??) let’s go for a beer! I really enjoyed the story. Cheers from Barcelona!

    • Danny Dover Jun 29, 2012

      :-D I never realized that I had a baby sitter/prison guard. That is hilarious. I’ll take you up on the beer next time I am in town. Cheers!

  • Franco Jun 28, 2012

    Hi Danny!
    :) nice post! I have had some laugh reading it..:) no problem, embarrassing and fun things happen all time living in a place with others..:D
    take care
    Franco
    ps. the enigmatic suit guy is very fun :)

  • Daniel Jordi Jun 28, 2012

    Hi Danny

    Your stories are great, just had a big laugh! Plus I’m confused about suit guy… ;-)

    Have a great week!
    Daniel

  • mattea Jun 28, 2012

    Hilarious! You really do have a talent for choosing awkward, yet entertaining roommates with a “friend” or “suit guy” that doesn’t speak english. I feel like you should have the small talk spanish down to a T by now. que bueno!

    • Danny Dover Jun 29, 2012

      Hey! I hope everything is great. :-) I am not sure why I prefer the living situations that I do but it sure does keep me entertained and smiling. Cheers!

  • Dad Jun 28, 2012

    I’m guessing that “Suit Guy” wa a relative of some sort. Maybe a son.

    Fun story!

    • Danny Dover Jun 29, 2012

      Sounds reasonable to me. The not cheering for Spain thing was odd though.

  • Dan Jun 30, 2012

    Awesome story. Sounds like you’re having fun and meeting (odd, but nice sounding) people, glad to hear!

  • Cody Wheeler Jul 3, 2012

    Hilarious dude! What’s bringing you back to the states? Making an appearance at MozCon by chance?

  • Fighters Marketing Jul 14, 2012

    Something very weird about this story. Now i am intrigued on who on gods green earth was this suit guy.

  • Ross Dunn May 31, 2013

    Okay that was a thoroughly baffling experience. The colostomy bit would have made me pale which would have been just as bad as “Muy Mal!” Enjoy the environment; which I pray is devoid of used colostomy bags :-(

  • Sanjana Nov 9, 2013

    lol!
    Maybe this is why I should find more shared accomodation than rent out whole houses or hotel rooms eh? ;)

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